Maverik

I just got a job at Maverik. My nerdiness and familial trauma came up in the job interview and the guy said "oh, don't worry, we're all like that here."

First solo graveyard shift. How hard can staying awake all night really be? It'll be just like when I worked graveyards at Amazon, except my feet will hurt less.

Guy pokes his head in the front of the store
"hey, I don't have my mask. Can I still come in?"

"sure, man, there ain't no one else in here"
"Thanks, man. You're the best."
"yup"
"I sure am sick of all this COVID stuff."
"yup"
"like, I just wanna buy a soda! What's wrong with that?"
"yup"
"It's all because they let a woman run for mayor. Whose stupid idea was that, anyway?"
"what"

Maverik has provided us with a motivational whiteboard that says "Great companies need great _________." at the top. Currently, the blank is filled in with the words "butt stuff".

Coworker keeps asking me if I want to "donate my fingers". It is unclear to whom I would be donating them.

right so I just learned that my coworker is sleeping with a 58 year old man

I'm freaking out at this guy and he doesn't see why

"no, it's okay, I'm 25."

"that does NOT make it okay!"

"We've been together for seven years!"

"You've WHAT!?"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

When asked for her electronic signature on deliveries, my coworker consistently just draws a naked woman. She's gotten pretty good at it.

Texted a friend and he said, "wow, you're up early." He was WRONG

I've been workin' here for four months and today was the first time I saw my boss raise his voice. The Juul representative was in here insisting that we move our Juul ads out in front of the desk so "our younger customers can see them". My boss was pissed and threw the guy out of the store.

someone left their panties on the floor in the bathroom

oh god oh fuck oh god oh fuck

so Maverik just rolled out this exclusive pumpkin spice coffee

and we've had the mix but nobody's brewed it yet

so I think "is almost morning; is fall; let's brew some"

and its smell could KILL A MAN AT 15 YARDS

like, normal coffee smells disgusting but this stuff is devastating

aaaaaaaaa

I don't dare pour it down the drain because that'll make it smell even more

imma go clean the bathroom. it smells much better in there

I am n e v e r brewing that again

the scene: my boss and I are running the register and laughing about how bad the debate was, and the next customer in line walks up to me.

"You a Democrat or a Republican?"

"Nope. I think everyone needs to make a trend of leaving those two parties."

"Hell yeah, brother! Independents rise up! What are your stances?"

"Well, I dream of a world where gay couples can protect their marijuana with chainguns."

customer does a double take "Don't you think that's a little irresponsible?"

"Nah. Chainguns are awesome."

"Of course they are, but son, gays shouldn't have guns."

I do a double take "A- wha- I- why?"

​"Because guns kill people!"

sure is nice being able to get a slurpee anytime

would be nicer being paid more than $11/hr

new favourite customer interaction:

guy comes in

asks to open a checking account

​

i oughta start writing more of these idiots down

new favourite customer interaction

​

"Hi!"

"how's it going"

"it's going somewhere!"

slaps stuff on counter

"Can you flip these over so I can scan the barcodes?"

"no thanks"

"Uh, sir, I need to scan these if you want your items."

"oh. Oh!" holds credit card against Takis display

"Sir, I need you to flip over your items."

"oh." holds credit card against not-yet-active pinpad

activates pinpad "The merchandise, sir."

"really?" inserts card into slot

"The barcodes are on the bottom, sir. I need to scan them."

"oh my bad" finally reorients items

"Okay, you're all set."

"sure." inserts card into pinpad again

"You're good, dawg. I got it the first time."

"oh, okay." pulls out different card

"Sir, you remind me of the babe."

"of who?"

"The babe with the power."

"i'm sorry, what?"

"The power of-"

my boss interrupts "Sir, you already paid and are free to leave the store with your items."

customer leaves

I hit the floor laughing

customer is walking around the store, craning her neck to look at the top shelves

"What can I help you find?"

customer scoffs "Nice try, honey. I'm engaged."

part of me thinks dealing with customers would be easier drunk but I'd probably just get ragey

quote of the day goes to a new employee I'm training

she (visibly queer) got a customer with a confederate flag hat and busted out "Yo, nice hat! What pride flag is that?"

"can I get some juul pods?"

"can I see some ID?"

"I don't actually have it, but it's okay:  I   a l r e a d y   k n o w   m y   b i r t h d a y"

"do you want a bag?"

"No."

"have a great day!"

"I'm gonna fucking blow your head off with my shotgun."

blinks "I... please do?"

​

I don't think that I did anything to offend that guy but I am autistic and so I can never know for sure

best Halloween costume of the night has gotta be the perfectly accurate Pope Francis who came in and bought beer

just sold a customer drinks and he tried to give me a high five

get tf outta here with your plague slaps

just heard a customer recommend "Merlin" to me, saying "it's the most violent TV show yet"

I am just gonna write "hahaha yeah" on an index card and hold it up whenever people say things to me

customer just hit me with "nice gender, faggot. Did your parents pick it out for you?"

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the hostility of liberals but I cannot deny when I have been well roasted

right so today I have been on shift for just over three hours and I have seen:

-an update roll out for our cash registers that makes them bluescreen every time a Maverik member uses Apple Pay

-one customer threaten to kill another customer's emotional support dog

-a Mormon (he was wearing an EFY shirt) ask me to hold his Trump merch so he could pump his gas

-one guy just yeet an Amazon package into the street

-two unsupervised toddlers come in, frolick for a few minutes, and then leave

-one customer hit me with "Blacks have always been judged by the content of their character"

-an old man grab a beer and run

-a ten-year-old kid try to buy herself booze

​

this is a good shift

"hey, can I get some cilantro?"

"I don't think we sell it."

"The last guy made me some cilantro."

"he... made you some?"

​

she wanted sumatran coffee

just had a customer make fun of me for still playing Halo

​

he was wearing a World of Warcraft shirt

had a customer recognize me today

"hey, aren't you Tim Riker's son?"

"yep. that's me."
"Well, what are you doing working in a Maverik, man? You should be changing the world right now!"

​

oh, my mistake

i'll get right on that

yooooo Maverik finally approved hazard pay

​

y'boi finna make $12/hr "until a vaccine is made available"

just had a customer say "oh cut me a break, it's 2AM where I am"

​

i

​

i know that

​

i am also where you are

​

we are standing in the same Maverik

​

you still need to pay for your items

"that'll be $6.32"

hands me $3 "Is this enough?"

"n-"

"n"

"no"

"this-"

"this is $3"

"can I see some ID?"

"oh, come on, really dude? I'm 6'2"!"

​

mate, I was 6'2" at age 11, show me your ID

​

(he was exactly 21)

Today's challenge: survive the walk home

​

difficulty modifiers:

-subzero temperatures

-thick fog

-glasses fog from cold

-glasses fog from facemask

-no sidewalks

-monday morning college drivers

-thick layer of ice on the road because the snowplows get Sunday off

-very steep hill

​

I ended up walking into some girl before I saw her

Just had a customer ask if we sell DUIs.

On a whim, I said "yes".

The conversation got very weird before I realized that she was trying to buy an IUD.

At a gas station.

"can you move your hand so I can scan the barcode?"
"what?"

"I need to scan the barcode."

"What's a barcode?"

​

then he called his friend an idiot on the way out the store so I don't even wanna know what that guy's like

me: "that'll be 4.19"

customer: does nothing for a full five seconds

customer: "we good?"

me, assuming customer is asking permission to pay for his items: "yeah go ahead"

customer: grabs his items and walks toward the door

me: "wait. dude. y'gotta. pay for your stuff."

customer, returning to me: "oh haha my bad"

customer: does nothing for another five seconds

customer: "we set?"

no

no we are not

​

​

my best guess is he was high. lord knows the last customer left a weed cloud powerful enough to affect us both. maybe I'm high.

"I forgot my mask; can I still come in?"

"no"

"oh! come on! please?"

​

I am considering saying yes when she says "ugh. fine", pulls a mask out of her bra, and puts it on

LMAO SHE JUST FUCKIN STOLE A PACK OF AAAS

​

this bitch was askin' my permission to come in and steal my batteries

​

didn't even buy anything. just. door -> batteries -> door -> gone

​

what a chad

just roasted a poor woman

​

she had been waiting about 15 seconds before I got to the register and she opened with "do you know how long I've been here, young man!?"

​

I told her "I'd say it looks like 50-55 years"

​

this is a good shift

holds up dollar coin with bullet hole in it "can I buy a medium soda with this?"

long sigh "fine." takes coin; makes sale
gets an XXL soda instead of a medium and then leaves

friendly asian woman comes in

in broken english: "Excuse me. Sir. Do you have? Nose?"

"do we have what?"

"Nose. Face? Nose." She is pointing at her nose, but seems to understand that she is not saying what she thinks that she is saying.

"Huh?"

She deflates. "No nose. Okay."

​

She takes a minute to look around the store and then another to use a translation app on her phone before confidently returning to me.

​

"Excuse me. Sir. Sorry. Do you have? Nose. Remover?"

​

I'm a little embarrassed about how long I spent confusedly giggling with her before I realized that she was asking where the facemasks were.

Lex and Joe are dating

​

I am now officially the youngest worker at this Maverik who is not dating someone more than ten years older than I am, despite my being the 5th-youngest worker at this Maverik

just got cussed out by a man in an "I'M A MORMON" shirt because I wouldn't sell him alcohol without seeing his ID

"ayo man I forgot my wallet; can I just take these?"

​

I did not allow it but I respect that he asked

"That'll be $3.94."

"Thanks. Slow night?"
"No."

"You ever heard of World Defense Force?"

"can't say I have."

"Well, fuck you."

"oh."

notices the customer has a ski day pass "how was skiiing?"

"I have been banned from skiing there again."

"o -oh."

​

I proceeded to ask him what happened and apparently he pushed a girl off a chairlift?!

​

evidently she broke her ankle landing

​

ever talked to someone and gotten rapidly more uncomfortable throughout the conversation??

white customer drops the N word

second white customer: "isn't that the word that you have to be black to say?"

​

yep

​

that's the one

​

(both of these men were of college age)

"That'll be $7.26."

"Well? Aren't you gonna ask me whether I want to donate to charity?"

"Nah, the machine isn't asking me that anymore. I think it was just a February thing."

"Wow. Do you have any idea how fucking sexist you are?"

​

fellas is it gay to give to the poor and needy

okay the "sexist" thing just happened again and I gotta say that I am getting pretty sick of customers calling me racist and sexist just for being a white man

customer just spat on my floor in a failed attempt to look tough and then said "wish me luck on my exam"

​

The worst kind, sir. The worst kind.

"that'll be $2.69; you want a bag?"

"naw but I want PUSSY!"

​

I'll bet that guy's resume says "goal-oriented".

"ehnnuguttahudinnnah"
"hmm?"
"guddakudda"
"what?"
"dunsen"
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you."
"whaddadabop"
sigh "can I get you to rotate these so I can scan their barcodes?"
"yunnuhnihguhnahbuhdite"
"that'll be $8.19"
"gonnaniddamabbadite"
"what"
"canneygeduhmahborodight"
"oh, a Marlboro Light."
"yeah"
"can I see some ID"
"ohhhyeahlemmisuhedfudduh"
"the front. I need to see the front."
"yeahdassmahdawwwwwg"

"I'm not sure if my chip will work..."
"We'll see."
inserts card, chip fails "Can I swipe it instead?"*
"yeah, if it fails three times it'll ask you to swipe"
"Oh, okay." swipes
"not yet tho. you gotta stick it in three times in a row for it to get the idea."
"Got it." inserts card, chip fails
immediately swipes card
"no, wait, stick it in again."
"Alright?" inserts card, chip fails "The chip still doesn't work."
"yeah but you gotta try it three times in a row before it'll let you swipe"
"Ohhhh. OK." swipes
"no. the machine won't let you swipe it until-"

"Why isn't it working?"

​

this continued for about a minute before she left to get physical cash from her car and paid with that instead.

​

This woman is going to get a college degree, and I work at a Maverik.

just sold a girl a hot coffee and watched her pour it all over herself

​

she was buying her coffee (barcode on the side) and a case of white claws (barcode on the bottom).

"Can you flip those up so I can scan their barcode on the bottom?" I said, obviously talking about the white claws
"oh, sure"
splash

just had a cop threaten to call my parents on me

​

my man came in and was like "have you seen a hispanic man come in here tonight?"
"yeah... a few... can you describe the guy"
"he would have been shorter than a normal man"
"you mean... like hispanic people are"
"did your parents teach you to disrespect the police, son?"
"well... yes..."

"so if I call your parents right now, that's what they'll say?"

"try it"

​

good luck with that, you dumb motherfucker

​

he ended up saying "you're lucky you're working right now, because if you weren't I'd have you arrested" and leaving.

​

I'm not sure who I hate more, the police (on principle) or normal Utarded 18-25-year-olds (for having a good enough relationship with their parents that "I'll call your parents" is typically a haunting threat here).

​

While we're at it, let's hate the parents too for actually delivering punishment at the request of state authority

​

as a matter of fact, let's just hate everyone. not a soul on this godforsaken planet is worthy of salvation.

there is a man in my store in his underwear

​

his (fully clothed) friends are chill with it

customer: "Gas is up $0.60 this week. You know, that all goes directly into Joe Biden's pockets. He effectively destroyed 70,000,000 jobs just this week."

"when are you guys gonna order more burritos?"

"We actually make them here, fresh every morning."

"Cool! I'll take a MOAB with no tomatoes, please."

"Actually, we only make burritos in the morning."

"Oh! Well, you're out of burritos."

"Yeah, we sold all the ones we made this morning."

"Do you know when you're going to make more?"

"no"

just got "you pussy", "shit for brains", "shit wiggles", "get filled", "fucking retard", and "shove off" from one customer who bought nothing but a lighter

​

It turns out that if you insult someone too many time too fast, it stops being provocative and just starts getting awkward.

​

He ended our interaction with a genuine-sounding "Have a good night!" and I, caught off-guard, stammered out "good... night?" as he left the store

customer's shirt has anime hula dancers on it and says "Kawaii Hawaii"

"that'll be $1.06"
"nedadidanedadidanedadidanedadida"

"ok"

"that'll be $12.42"

"Your dick is smaller than mine. My dick is huge."

"alright"

customer: "hey man I'm here visiting my cousin but I left my phone charger; do you guys have phone chargers? I want one that goes in my car"

me: "yeah; they're right here:" points at phone car charger shelf

customer buys only a lightning cable

me: "Just the cable; not the charger?"

customer: "yeah I just need the cable"

​

customer enters store three minutes later with one end of the cable plugged into his phone and the other dragging on the ground behind him

"Hey, how do I plug this into my car?"

"can I pay $1.50 on this card and the rest on my other credit card?"

"sure, lemme just set-"

"awesome" shoves both cards into the reader at the same time

"that'll be $20"

"you don't deserve the money, do you?"

"...what"

THE SCENE: The store is very busy. typically I try to notice everyone who comes into the store (just in case) but there are just too many.

I finally help the last one and go to clean the kitchen. seconds later I her an "ex CUSE me!"

I come back around to see a woman holding two different drinks.

She turns to me, irritated, and says "Which one is better? And why doesn't it say?"

Now, I'm a pretty tall guy, so I tend to look people over top-to-bottom. I do this now to this woman. The things I notice, in order:

1. Her height. She's on the tiny side. I probably missed seeing her behind a shelf when I checked to see if the store was empty.

2. Her TRUMP 2020 hat.

3. Her... age, or rather, her lack thereof? This woman has the mannerisms and body type of a 28-year-old, but the voice and skin of a 60-year-old. Notably this skin is white, bringing me to

4. her shirt, which is black with the words "KINKY NIGGA" written in large white lettering.

​

I answer her question ("I don't know; I don't drink") and try to move on to the kitchen but more customers come into the store and so I return to the cash register.

Kinky Lady (as I will now call her) come up and sets a drink on my counter but says "hold on, I'm gonna go get some more."

I glance at the other customers and they're not quite ready yet, so I give her an unsure "okay..."

A minute passes, during which a bunch of highschoolers enter the store.

Kinky Lady comes back just before the other customers start to line up behind her. She stands there inspecting each item thoroughly before allowing me to scan it but eventually I scan all 5 items

"That'll be $8.20."

"okay."

Without paying, Kinky Lady leaves my desk, walks deeper into the store, and starts socializing with the highschoolers. I make the confused Jackie Chan face for a moment, then just kinda shove her stuff to the side, reset the register, and start helping the next customers in line. The line is perhaps 6 people long. As I do this, more and more customers come into the store.

Kinky Lady returns with more stuff, cuts to the front of the line, sets her stuff on the counter, and leaves, saying "I'm gonna go get more!"

"Ma'am, you can't leave your stuff here. Do you want a bag?"

"Of course I can! I'm a paying customer!"

"Yes, but I have to use this space to help other people."

"It's not my fault there are other people here!"

"Ma'am, if you leave this here, I'm gonna put it back on the shelves."

"Fine, I'll move it."

Kinky Lady moves all of her stuff a few inches over, where it is more in the way, then goes back and talks with the highschoolers.

Around this time, a group of frat boys come in dragging one of their number who clearly does not want to be here. They drag him over to the medicine/bathroom shelf and start yelling at each other, but I am not listening to what they are saying because I am talking to Kinky Lady.

​

After Kinky Lady leaves, I move all of her stuff off of the counter and onto the floor beside the desk, then resume helping the normal people. As I help them, I kinda start listening in on the frat boys. They're trying to talk their victim into buying condoms so they can set him up with a girl. He is very much not interested in either of those things happening.

Because my attention is split between the frat boys and helping customers, I completely miss the argument starting between the highschoolers by the slurpee machine.

​

In walks a carbon copy of Logan Paul. 6'5", blond, buff. He's got an iPad held up in front of him and the first thing that the entire store gets to hear him say is "THEY CAN'T BREATHALYZE ME IF I'M DRUNK!"

I gather from context clues over the next few seconds that he's on facetime with a lawyer and trying to get out of a DUI charge. I only get to hear a few seconds of his conversation, because he walks straight to the beer cooler with astonishing inertia.

​

Kinky Lady comes back, cuts to the front of the line again, and is upset that I put her stuff on the ground.

I'm trying to explain to her that she needs to go to the back of the line when Logan Paul comes back and checks her, laying her out on the floor, and then slams a 48-pack of Bud Light down on the counter.

I say "dude, there's a line" and Kinky Lady, getting back up, also says something to the same effect. Ignoring both of us, Logan Paul angrily yells into his iPad, "THEY CAN'T BREATHALYZE ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT! THAT'S RAPE!"

​

Kinky Lady finally gets his attention and explains to him that there's a line, and that it's unacceptable to simply cut to the front of it. Logan Paul seems genuinely surprised at this news.

I hear the first splash from the slurpee machine.

​

I spend the next awesome and terrible minute trying to break up a fight between Logan Paul and an eldritch Trump voter, helplessly trying to get to the line of 8+ customers that wraps around the burrito stand to where the highschoolers are angrily throwing unlidded  fountain drinks at each other, all to the tune of half a dozen frat boys chanting "CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!"

customer walks in wearing only short shorts and a BYU hat

I help him with his items

"that's a bold hat to be wearing in this town"

"I'm a bold man"

and then he walked back out into the 50-degree weather

"That'll be three bucks."
"sweet- wait, three?"
"Three."
"oh, good. I thought you said three."
"I- did? Three, as in one more than two?"
"good, 'cause that's what I thought it was."
"What did you think I said before?"
"three, like the number three."
"No, the other time."
"oh, I thought you said three, as in one, two, three, four."
wh

"that'll be $2.98."
"heh heh. ha ha. heheheHEEHEH HAHAHAHAHA ALRIGHT!"
pays for his stuff
"you're all set"
"haha. ha. have a good night. heeheeheeheehee"
wh

Kinky Lady is back

different shirt today, thankfully

she is walking around the store gloating to other customers about how she used to have sex with her cousins

Eventually Kinky Lady left, leaving behind some items on the floor that she picked out and then decided that she didn't want

​

upon closer inspection, she also left one tarot card on the ground faceup near the condiment bar: The Jester

​

that's an omen for sure

customer: "also, my girlfriend is getting a F'real. Can I pay for that too?"
me: gets out cheat sheet with all the F'real barcodes "can you tell me what flavor it is?"
customer: "Peanut butter."
me: "Reese's peanut butter or protein peanut butter?"
customer: turns around "HEY HONEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS YOUR F'REAL?"
in the distance: "PEANUT BUTTER!"
customer: turns back to face me "Peanut butter."

just had a customer do the Caramelldansen dance to apologize to me

​

he was 24

Kinky Lady is back. I guess she's a regular now. Today she walked back and forth between my register and the aisles like some kind of scavenger bird bringing one item to its nest at a time. She accumulated maybe 20 items this way, before gracing me with the worst sale experience of my Maverik career yet:

​

swipes card very slowly through the reader
doesn't read
"can you try again? It didn't see that."
"oh, was it too fast?"
"no, I'm pretty sure it was too slow."
"no, I'm sure it was too fast."
scrapes her card painfully slowly through the slot
doesn't scan
"hmm."

tries again even slower and by some miracle this time it reads

card declines

I tell her she has too much stuff so she picks one or two items and tries again
(to buy all but the one or two).
it still fails.
she tries again with even fewer items and the dance truly begins

​

THE DANCE:

Kinky Lady is convinced that there is only $20 on her card and so she thinks hard enough her face turns red and repeatedly tries to get the combination of items that gets her as close to $20 as possible
unfortunately, she appears to have the mathematical prowess and attention span of an unusually gifted hamster
each time she tries a combination I have to scan them all, and we get to repeat the step where she swipes the card slowly over and over and over again.

​

Finally, Kinky Lady hits $19.82 and her card still declines.

She immediately becomes convinced that her card has $18, and The Dance continues.

​

As the number goes down to $15, I start to have a pretty tough time keeping track of which items are in which of her attempts. In an effort to have both of our lives easier, I ask her to please clearly separate the items in each attempt from the items not in the attempt. And lo, a new step to The Dance is added, where, after specifying which items she wants during each attempt, she immediately scrambles all of the items on the counter into three piles:

- one pile of some items she is trying to buy that attempt but also several items she is not trying to buy that attempt

- a second pile of some items she is trying to buy that attempt but also several items she is not trying to buy that attempt
- and a third pile of some items she is trying to buy that attempt but also several items she is not trying to buy that attempt

​

The number goes down to $10 and then to $5, and I have to explain to Kinky Lady that she is required to buy the... two? sodas? that she has opened and drank some of?

Two attempts later, I am required to explain this again.

​

Eventually, her card declines on only the $2.59 of the two sodas.

"do you take cash?"
"yes"
she pulls a few $100 bills out of her pocket
I start to scan everything but she insists that she just wants the two drinks

rather than paying $100 for her $2.59 items, she pulls $0.34 out of my tip jar and pays me $100.34

she argues with me for some time that I need to give her $98 back in change, as 100.34-2.59=98

after what feels like a lifetime, she finally leaves.

"that'll be $20.90"
"how's your night been?"
"my average customer is an orangutan with a credit card"
"yes, I have a credit card."
"nice"

girl comes in and walks straight to the sodas

gets excited

comes up to me with one can of an obscure flavour of Brisk

​

"that'll be $2.98"

"it's I have to too many stores are to looking for it at this NOW time!"
"okay"

"$2.34"
"what?"
"two dollars and thirtyfour"
"huh?"
"your items. they're two dollars and thirtyfour cents."
"how much?"
"two dollars, plus thirty four cents."
"$2.31, got it."

"can I see some ID?"
"man, freakin', why you gotta, freakin', like, you, man, that's, like, freakin', damn, bro."

"can I see some ID?"
"well, here's the thing, I actually just turned 21, so my ID still says I'm 20."
"I just need to see your birthdate."
"can I show you my passport instead?"
"you know what, sure"
sets backpack down on floor, kneels down, rifles through it until he finds his passport
sure enough, he turned 21 on the 2nd
"also, can I get $30 in gas?"
"yeah, which pump?"
"that one." points toward the pumps
"which one?"
"the one I'm parked at."
all four pumps are occupied
I point slowly at each pump in turn: "one. two. three. four. which one?"
"yeah, that's the one."
"the blue car?"
"no, the white one."
"the small white one or the big white one?"
"dude, can you hurry up? I'm in a rush!" reaches into backpack and hands me about 60 crumpled-up $1 bills

​

Two minutes later, the same guy comes back in:

​

"I forgot, I also need juul pods. do you need to see my ID again?"
"nah, I carded you already. what flavor do you want?"
"alright, let me find it again."
sets backpack down on floor, kneels down..

"hi, how are you?"
"my average customer is an orangutan with a credit card"
"a what?"
"an orangutan. a mindless ape."
"oh, do you have one!?"
"no"
"orangutans are so smart! they're my favorite animal! I wish I was an orangutan."
"good news"

store is busy
next customer in line is carrying a large stuffed sheep
"what's with the sheep?"
"it's an alpaca. what makes you think it was a sheep"
"it looks like a sheep"
"it's not a sheep. it's an alpaca. Look! It's from Peru!"
there is no indication that it is from Peru
"alright then"
"does it look a sheep!? Hey!" spins to face the other customers "does THIS look like a SHEEP!?"
other customers, pretty much in unison: "yes"
"It's NOT a SHEEP! It's an ALPACA! it's from PERU! it sounds like THIS! bleats
"sir-"
"I WANTED AN ALPACA SO NOW IT'S HERE! IT'S FROM PERU! IT'S AN ALPACA!"
 

at this exact moment a child walks into the store and sees the stuffed alpaca

"oh how cute! it looks like a cuddly sheep!"
"IT'S NOT A SHEEP!"

BRO

​

girl pulls out her credit card

snaps it in half like a glowstick

swipes the magstripe half through the machine

it works

​

I was so dumbstruck that it took me several seconds to come to my senses and finish the transaction

I'm playing "Love Letters" by George Watsky through a small Bluetooth speaker and I just got told by a customer to turn it off because "it's offensive to slaves"

Kinky Lady brought a boy

so, by assuming that:

a) the boy is her love interest, and

b) Kinky Lady dates about in her own age range,

I know know that she's around 50.

​

The man she brought seems to only communicate in gibberish; so far I have understood only the word "citrus"

alright I am actually gonna put in a request that this woman is banned from our store

​

we just spent half an hour doing nearly the same Dance as last time, except this time she spent the entire time telling me that I was ruining her day by not giving her her cigarettes and gas for free

customer: "do you guys have cubes?"

"how's your night?"
"about half an hour ago, a customer asked me 'do you have any cubes'."
"what? what did he mean?"
"I'm pretty sure it was a code phrase to see if I was in the illuminati or something."
"oh, you believe in the illuminati?"
"well-"
"it's real, man! wild stuff. you know, they have a temple in Logan, but it doesn't really exist. It's in the air."
"I just meant-"
"you know, Joseph Smith was in the illuminati. that's why the church is so powerful still. he's still controlling their minds from the grave."
"sir, please just-"
"they meet in the graveyard, you know. every half moon. I'll take you, if you want." leans in "you ever hear of the Freemasons?"

cops are in my store chillin

this is normal; they're regulars
one of 'em asks me "anything we can do for you?"
tell them about Kinky Lady and how we're gonna ban her from the store
"what's she look like? what car does she drive?"
I give them enough details to pick her out of a small crowd but not a large one
I ask "if she's being a pain and I call you, would you be able to escort her out?"
"yeah we could do that"
"alright; thanks. expect that to occur within the month"
"no worries, that woman has a history of violent crime anyway"

oh

"that'll be $4.59"

"thanks man, can I get a purpley one?"

"please, can you help me? I'm about to break a nail."
"what"
"right there, see? that finger? it's about to break."
"oh... ok"
"oh, come on! you have to help me, I'm gonna break a nail!"

is there like a prayer I'm supposed to say or

"that'll be $12.21"
"can I actually get two of the cigarette boxes?"
"that'll be $17.94"
"what?"
"seventeen dollars and ninetyfour cents"
"for the two cigarettes?"
"yeah."
"why's it more?"
"what"
"for the two cigarettes. why'd it go up?"
"...what"
"it shouldn't cost more to get two of them; they're the same thing"

"can you spin this around so I can scan the barcode?"
"I have to do everything, don't I? You stupid college kids can't do anything by yourselves. You should all be locked in jail. No offense."
"none taken"

"do you have a boom stick?"
"a what?"
"a boom stick. You know, like, a bomb?"

​

I think he was looking for a brand of candy?

customer mentioned that he broke up with his girlfriend recently

​

I asked "geez. How'd she take it?"

​

apparently that was the wrong question

​

bro is PISSED

"can I get some ID?"
"I actually don't have my ID. I have a note from my mom instead."

"Your tip jar's nearly empty! How am I supposed to pay for my stuff!? Go get more money for your tip jar!"

then, later:

"why are you selling him his stuff?! You gotta get me first! I was here first!"

yeah and you've been here thirty minutes and still WON'T PAY FOR YOUR OWN STUFF

it is worth mentioning that he was trying to get me to buy him $50 of stuff

"can I see some ID"
"yeah"
he was born in 2003
"sorry, dawg. I can't sell this to you until you turn 21."
"oh, come on! you said no last time, so you gotta say yes this time!"

ah
my mistake

"shake my hand, son."
"I'm good, chief. Virus."
"Fuck that. Gay retards never won the election."
"they... did not..."

​

gay retards 2024

every time a customer walks in I try to look at them
just so I know who's in my store
customer comes in
I glance at him
he's mid-yawn when I see him
then I look back to what I was doing

look back up
turns out he wasn't mid-yawn
he just walks around with his mouth wide open like a howler monkey.

"can you spin it so I can see the barcode?"
does so
I scan the item
"How much is it?"
"$3.58."
"That's racist."
"ok"

group of college kids is in here talking to each other

4/5 of the kids' parents are paying for their housing entirely and they are all pissed that the last guy's parents are only paying for half of his housing

​

this is technically something I should be happy about

​

I am enraged nonetheless

"that'll be $8.51"
"you know, son, I haven't had a beer in years. I don't know what it is, but tonight? I'm gonna drink."
"long as you ain't relapsing"
"relapsing?" suddenly nervous "no, I haven't touched meth in months, I swear!"

just watched a Prius get brake checked by a cop lmao

lady who snapped her credit card is back
paid with the same half a card
amazing

alright what's the degenerate trend on Tiktok today

why is everyone throwing fountain drinks at each other

I'm boutta deadass lock the bathrooms

standing in front door "we're just here to make a Tiktok. do we need masks?"

"Get the fuck out of my store."

calls backwards "HE SAYS WE DON'T NEED MASKS, GUYS!"

​

and the land shall perish in a single night, and I shall slay them with death, and with pestilence, and with a great sword, and their blood shall be as the waters of the sea

"can I pay for two oreo shakes before i get them?"
"am i gonna find them on my floor?"
"well yes but it's for a Tiktok"

I'm gonna go get the nail gun from the office and just lay it on the cash register where these bastards can see it

customer comes in
sees me and jumps a little
slowly, awkwardly, sticks his arms out and half-squats as his face contorts as if he is constipated
says, in a very strained voice,
"doyouguyshaveapplepay"
"we do, yes"
customer collapses to the ground
gets up "okay, my bad"
takes off in a full sprint towards the beer cooler
comes out minutes later with no beer, buys 3 bags of M&Ms

​

I am gonna go check the beer cooler and if I find that he shat in there I swear to god

PAINT

THERE IS WHITE PAINT SMEARED ON THE GROUND IN THE BEER COOLER

WHAT THE FUCK

guy just paid me with a 5 dollar bill with all the "5"s crossed out and "17$" written in

kounturfit

got the cleaning done fast today and did some research and math

​

if anyone's wondering, I have Fermi-estimated* that the Library of Alexandria probably contained about 10 GB of information

​

the SD card in my phone could absolutely hold the entire Library's contents at least twice.

​

​

*nobody's actually calculated the areal density of Latin so I used Japanese bc I think that Latin's primitive grammar woulda made it similarly information-dense

"sorry, friend, you have to be over 21"
"but I'm wearing a Jack Daniels shirt! I'm allowed to drink!"

"What can I get you?"
"A ride home."
surelyimisheard.jpeg
"What?"
"I broke up with my boyfriend. Give me a ride home."
"I... have to stay here and work at Maverik..."
"You're kidding me, right? I'm not walking ten whole minutes in the cold. Give me a ride home."
"I... don't have a car... and walk 30 minutes to work every day..."
"Call me a taxi, then."
"I... no... but I can sell you gummy bears?"
"I'm calling the police."
"ok"

you ever have an experience that just breaks your mind?

like

you become catatonic out of confusion?

​

Kinky Lady came in just now

smiled

started to do her scavenger-bird bit but then realized it was inconsiderate and stopped

bought some stuff (1st try!)

left

and was generally very nice throughout? i am stunned

​

She looked very different, too. She was clean, and had a turquoise official-looking collared shirt on, implying that somebody employed her

she had a pride flag in her pocket and said please when asking for a bag

​

this has gotta be her identical twin, right?

customer comes in

elderly dude, shades, ZZ Top lookin ass
buys an XXL slurpee
I sell it to him uneventfully
he walks over to the hot chocolate machine
glances at the toppings
(we have whipped cream, tiny marshmallows, sugar, creamer, and weird Coldstone-provided icecream pellets for people to pour into their hot chocolate)
walks over to the grill
gets a plastic spoon
(we have plastic spoons)
gets a huge spoonful of marshmallows and just scoops it into his mouth
puts the spoon back with all the other plastic spoons
leaves

things are bad

​

full candy restock order should've been here hours ago

the truck just pulled in
it hit a big trash can on the way in so now there is trash all over the parking lot
our computer (that we need to count in all the candy) has bluescreened
now I've got a store full of customers and one wants to talk to my manager about the gas price and doesn't understand that he's not here, he is at home with his kids

​

the other employee on shift yelled at some kids who were sucking on the slurpee machine nozzles so now their mother is calling the police on us

​

maverik corporate tech support is being amazingly helpful:

"oh. guess you'll have to scan everything in the long way."
"what?"
"oh. guess you'll have to scan everything in the long way."
"what... is the long way"
"just scan all the items in manually"
"...how"
"the long way"

COME TO MAVERIK

​we got teenagers just TAKIN' SHIT
we got a GROWN MAN THROWIN' FOUNTAIN DRINKS

and we have TWO AND A HALF LARGE DOGS LOOSE IN THE STORE

customer comes in
looks a little like me, but taller
he's wearing a basketball jersey
prominently tattooed on his left arm he has a large penis with a condom on it and the words "WRAP IT UP!"

I agree, but it seems like a tactical mistake to have a penis of any kind tattooed on your arms.

"oh, come on, I'm 19! That's close enough!"

"bro you are gon' wanna keep your voice down, there are literally three cops over at the fountain machine right now."

"Just sell it to me!"

"NO."

"What if I drink it all before I leave?"

my boss usually has a pretty boring music taste
I walk in and he's got a pretty funky glitch hop track going (instrumental only when I walked in)
"yo, this song slaps! what is it?"
"This is Siki! She's my favorite vocaloid!"
ohno.jpeg
"She's a half-whale werewolf moongirl! here, wanna see pictures?"
no

"when her voice goes low it's because it's her dark side!"
turns on what sounds like deepfried Corpse Husband
"This song is all about her dark side! Don't you like it?"
"not even a little"
"that's because you think it's a real moongirl singing. It's not actually; it's a software character program. She does concerts! wanna go to one?"
no
I just wanna know who made the song man
please

​

do you think I could remove vocaloids from existence if I just went back in time to 1925 and shot whoever invented the Talkbox

"one moment, miss, my register's acting up"
"good, how are you?"
"ok"
scans items
"that'll be $7.49; you want a bag?"
"what?"
"do you want a bag?"
"no thanks. Can I get a bag?"
bags items
"you're all set"
"You too!"

"that'll be $12.59"
"I like the music, dude!"
"Thanks; it's 'Fortress' by Rogue"
"are, you, like, into EDM music?"
"I dabble."
"yoooo that's dope as hell! I've got a friend back home who can dabble! you two should hook up sometime!"

the pinnacle of masculinity just walked into my store

​

6'3"

muscled

very blonde

curly moustache

jeans

cowboy hat

and crop top reading "DECK THEM HALLS"

​

after a short awkward silence I say "okay, what's with the crop top"

"what crop top"

"ok"

look man
I am not here to make fun of foreigners
but
if you come into my store and only say "good morning" more and more frantically while waving a $20 bill in my face I will not know how to help you

Kinky Lady came back
acted very nice
was wearing a depressingly official-looking shirt that read "TRUMP 2024: The ONLY recycling AMERICA needs!"

customers are infuriating tonight

morbidly obese woman comes in and buys an XXL drink , two bags of chips, a sandwich, a canned soda, and a slurpee for herself
her kid keeps asking for a small soda
"it's too expensive, we have water at home"

woman comes in and holds up the line looking at the gum we have at the counter for 5 minutes
her finger is in her nose the entire time

​

woman comes in with two children
is waiting in line
sees the hand sanitizer we have out for everyone
says to her kids, "oh yeah, we've gotta do this thing"
squirts the bottle four times onto the counter and rubs her hands through it
her kids happily follow suit

a guy comes up to the register with two vitamin waters
"How's your night?"
"every time a customer asks for a bag and then changes their mind after I've pulled one out of the dispenser my hatred of our species increases"
"damn bro okay"
"sorry. That'll be $6.08."

at this point the man looks at me

and I see the faintest hint of a smile on his face
"Can I get a bag?"

returning home from work and I pass my roommate running backwards to his car

​

"...good morning?"

"Good morning!"

"...why are you running backwards?"

"Everyone should practice running backwards, just in case!"

​

i guess so!

"can I get $30 on pump 3"
"yeah; do you have a Maverik ID?"
"yeah, 801..."
"I'm actually gonna have you type it in the pinpad in a second"
"yeah, 801..."
"could you go ahead and type it into the pinpad?"
"801..."
"the pinpad, mate. Type your phone number into the pinpad."
"My number is 801..."

customer is jerkin it in his car at the pump

​

I just spent several minutes feeling awkward about the situation before opening the door and simply yelling "bruh."

okay so the guy continued to jerk it with increasing intensity despite me coming and knocking on his window and telling him that he has to leave

​

so I called the police (they're all regulars here anyway)

​

they showed up, dragged him out of his car, drove his car out of the parking lot, re-inserted him into the car, and let him drive away

he's BACK

"oh. you're here. can I have the other guy help me instead?"

"the... who?"

"you know, the other guy who works here."

"...during the day?"

"yeah"

​

sure lemme call him real quick

kitchen guy gets here

​

(loudly) "Mornin', Henry!"

(tiredly) "how goes"

(happily) "Well, I fired a gun for the first time this weekend, and lemme say? I kinda understand why so many gun people turn into pedophiles!"

​

wha

​

how did you

​

what was your first experience firing a gun like Jarron

customer inserts card

card error

"WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY TIME I USE THIS CARD!?"
"could be your card's broken"
"IT'S NOT! WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS SAY THAT!?"

woman comes up to the register with only a drink
"that'll be $3.09"
customer is not listening, she is talking to somebody on facetime at max volume
and I'd say that a gas station is one of the worst places to talk on facetime, but that would be doing a disservice to the woman on the other end of the call, who is clearly in a public bathroom stall
eventually I do manage to yell over these women and tell the one that she has to pay for her drink
and just as she does?
the woman on the other end of the call lets out the longest
most powerful
resonant
wettest
loudest
most textured fart I have ever heard live.
everyone goes silent
me
her
the woman
the other customers in line
and this woman pays for her drink in the deafening silence before leaving with her tail between her legs.

Mexican don-cheadle-lookin customer comes in
buys three different types of alcohol
comes up to pay for them and says something in Spanish
"what?"
(more spanish) (pretty sure I heard the word "loco")
"Sorry, mate, I don't speak Spanish."
man realizes he is speaking the wrong language and tries to communicate in English instead
turns out his entire English vocabulary is limited to the words "fuck" and "shit"
so, genuinely wanting to communicate, he starts using these words as boolean inputs
I am barely keeping it together at this stage
at one point, he pulls out a Morse code chart from his pocket (!) and starts spelling out words using only "fuck" and "shit"
the words he's spelling? Spanish.

just had a little kid come in, buy a sucker and a Gatorade, and ask me what my favourite pokemon was

​

told him "dialga"

lil' kid in store

monstercat D&B shirt

​

upon my complimenting the shirt, he hit the "fit check" fingers-on-wrist pose

tennessee-lookin white dude

​

"that'll be $2.98"

"I have 50 pesos"

no

"that'll be $18.92"
"can I also get a gun?"

​

...hell yeah brother

customer walks up, slams two drinks down on the counter
"specials I'm next, holding light, pudding to the box, hard enough, I made them all shorts."
"...what?"

lots of couples in the store tonight

​

you would expect this to exacerbate my loneliness but honestly I'm just enjoying seeing people happy

guy just attempted to use the tap-to-pay machine by hitting his phone against it harder than your local police chief hits his wife

b r u h

so I've got this plexiglass partition up between me and the customers right
and it makes bagging people's items rough but I generally think I'm pleased to be protected from the cooties of the public
anyway, customer walks up and I scan his items
"that'll be $14.12"
and he clears his throat, adjusts his stance,
says "Promo code:"
tilts his head back and hacks
and just fuckin SPITS on the thing

and then we stand there looking at each other

I am conveying as much disappointment as I can manage nonverbally but he seems to expect a discount? for spitting at me?
and we just stare at each other wordlessly as his spit runs down the plexiglass between us and drips onto the counter
I hate this job

customer's upset because I don't sell "areola superfruit"
somebody else google it
I don't wanna

why is it that running water makes you need to pee
running water is the safest water to drink
shouldn't seeing or hearing it trigger a "don't pee here" instinct instead of exactly the opposite?

customer comes in
spritely guy in his 60s
smiles at me
" what have you got in the way of oreos?"
I smile back
"I got you, dawg"
lead him to the oreos and point at them proudly
"regular, vanilla, double stuff, bitesize."
he suddenly gets angry
"kid, I don't actually want oreos."

then

then why did you come in and ask for oreos

​

was he asking me for drugs?

​

I am confused and haunted

b r u h

"that'll be $14.11"
"nya"
and then we just stare at each other
so he takes a big swig of his fountain drink, but, like, doesn't swallow it
so when he opens his mouth next it starts leaking down his chin
and I make some stuttering noise of disappointment
to which he responds, "oh, no. you're too old for me, honey."

I hate this job.

update: customer just recognized me as "the a cappella guy from AISU"

job is fun again

listening to George Watsky's 'Lovely Thing' at work
sell a woman her items and she hits me with "By the way, your music is offensive and disrespectful. What if a kid came in here?"
"actually, ma'am, the kids are typically chill with it. Some adults complain, though."
"But does this music really convey a message our kids need to hear?"
"Yes."

customer: sets item down (case of beer)
me: "can I see the barcode on the bottom?"
customer: "sure" spins item in one complete horizontal rotation "where is it?"
me, watching customer spin item in a second full rotation: "It's on the bottom, mate."
customer: spins item in third complete horizontal rotation "which side's the bottom?"

​

the rules here are that I lose my job if I sell any alcohol to anyone who is already drunk, but also that I lose my job if I ask a customer to do something to prove sobriety.

I feel like whoever wrote that rule vastly overestimated the competence of a sober customer.

couple walks in
he's wearing jeans and a T-shirt and she's wearing a USU cheerleader uniform
I overhear them talking by the candy shelf
"Oh I love Dove bars! Can I get two?"
"I'll buy you two."
"No, no, can I get them myself?"
"You have three dollars, right?"
"Yes!"
"They're $1.59."
"So... I can?"
I kinda lose their conversation there because I'm helping other customers but I assume he explained to her how 1.6 + 1.6 > 3 because she eventually comes up with one Dove bar
I scan the thing and it shows the total with tax
"That'll be $1.64"
"Oh babe it's $1.64, I can totally get two!"
"No, honey, $1.64 is still too much."
"Aww!"

​

I sell her the Dove bar and go back to helping customers and I overhear her and her boyfriend talking again
"what if I got more money out of my bag?"
"well then yeah you might have enough"

sure enough, she comes back with a second Dove bar
"that'll be $1.64"
"Okay!" pulls out coins from purse and starts counting them on the counter "fifty, fifty-five..."
"no, honey, a quarter is only worth twenty-five."
"Icandoit Icandoit!" turns around and continues counting in her hands
at this point I shoot the guy a glance that says "really?" and he responds with a glance that says "yeah I know but look at her"
she excitedly turns back around, hands me $1.65, does a (very impressive) high kick, and says, "and keep the penny!"
they leave
moments later he comes back in without her, opens his wallet, and says, "okay, so how much did she miss by?"
implying that this is a frequent occurrence

​

fellas, it is OK not to be into nerdy girls, but for the love of God, you gotta make sure she knows how much a quarter is worth

cheerleader is back
she's got two car guys following her around
"nice car"
"what year is it"
"how fast does it max out?"

Prepare yourself.

​

It is my penultimate night here at Maverik. I moved out of my apartment today. My boss, who is awesome and knows me as "the music guy", brought in his enormous boombox and told me "play whatever you want; it's not like I can fire you." My friends, who know me as "the funny Maverik stories guy", compiled me a horrible Spotify playlist for me to play on it.

​

The plan, today, was to pass a cleaning check at 9AM, sleep 8 hours, and then use the last hour before my shift to edit out all the duplicate copies of the DOOM soundtrack out of aforementioned playlist. Instead, there were extenuating circumstances, including my roommate's schedule changing drastically, new rules being set up by our landlord at the last minute (fuck Spectrum Apartments), and the cleaning check personnel being just over 10 hours late. Long story short, the only sleep that I got between yesterday (a full day of cleaning the apartment followed by a graveyard shift) and right now (3:02 AM) was when I passed out on the floor of Alex's living room for two hours. I am exhausted.

​

My shift starts pretty ordinarily. There was a rodeo tonight, so lots of people have cowboy boots and cowboy hats on.

​

1:30 AM and some policemen show up.

They warn me that they just busted a post-rodeo sorority bash for underage drinking.

They tell me nothing further about the nature of this bash.

Also, one of them recognizes the song I currently have playing on my boss' huge speakers, 'Stronger' by Stonebank.

​

Now, it's actually pretty common for the cops to warn me when they bust parties. The partygoers tend to all leave together, and usually try to rekindle the party spirit at two or three "unpredictable" locations around town before giving up and going to bed. These locations are all "public" spaces, where they feel like they could have a good time, and for that reason, everybody tends to, without trying, always pick from the same list of about 30 places throughout the city. My Maverik is one of them.

Twice in the past, these warnings have been followed by small groups of drunk college students attempting to hang out inside my Maverik. Both times, they left after I ordered them to. Nine times out of ten, though, these warnings lead to nothing at all.

​

1:45 AM. Things are still normal. Music is still blaring. Grabbitz sings through the boombox, "What comes next? Probably pigs in the sky, if I had to guess," and I fail to see it for the omen that it is.

​

Three cars pull into my parking lot and I recognize the first one immediately. It's a black van with a dented front bumper, with Idaho plates and a Raiders sticker on the window. I prepare myself for a final confrontation with my nemesis, Kinky Lady.

The van parks in the middle of our lot in such a way as to block two of the pumps at once, and Kinky Lady steps out of the driver's side. She's got her Trump hat on again, and she's wearing an especially large and especially raggedy white T-shirt that has something handwritten in black paint on the front. I can't read it from this angle.

The other two cars manage to block another pump and the turn in from the street, and their drivers exit as well. I recognize one of the gentlemen as my new least favorite customer, an honor he earned with frequent threats upon my life. Both drivers are wearing shirts that exactly match Kinky's.

​

I then am forced to watch in horror as all three drivers turn to their other car doors and let out several passengers. The final total I count as they stagger across the lot into my store is nearly 20, all drunk, all angry, and all wearing matching shirts reading "WHITES ONLY".

​

It's all my least favorite customers. The girls who cry and call their parents when I don't sell them booze. The guys who pour their coffees on the ground and get different sizes. The woman who steals the toilet paper rolls.

As they stagger drunkenly across the parking lot and into the entrance of my store, Grabbitz' 'Pigs in the Sky' ends, and the next song begins: by chance, DOOM Eternal's 'The Only Thing They Fear is You'.

​

I greet them with a shocked "evening", attempting to give them a chance to pleasantly surprise me with their behavior. It is repaid with a "fuck you" from one of the sorority girls.

The police left me a number to call should I need them. I call it as chaos ensues in my store.

Chips are opened and poured on the ground. A customer swings a metal rod around and threatens to hex me. Someone breaks the smoothie machine with a punch, and someone else stumbles and falls through a shelf. The beer cooler is raided and I see open drinks in the hands of several people I should definitely be IDing.

Rather than do so, I spend around five minutes cowering behind my register. The writhing mass of flesh and alcohol stretches toward my boss' boombox twice, but it remains blessedly untarnished.

​

Around the time the horde begins to spread to the employees-only kitchen freezer, somebody yells, "the cops are at the ass!"

The store immediately empties. Some go out the front door and some go out the back, and upon reaching open skies, the menaces scatter in all directions. The three drivers reach their cars and leave the lot, leaving their former passengers behind, and I hear a loud 'thunk' as two of the cars hit each other in the street. The cops remain in their vehicles until the flood is entirely passed, then walk into the Maverik with a calm, disappointed air.

​

I am asked basic questions, including how long they were in the store, whether they had weapons, whether I had seen the license plates of the cars, and why I had been blaring the Doom soundtrack through an expensive boombox. The cops complete a full lap of the store, and leave the premises carrying a shirtless woman they found in the dairy cooler.

​

I am left a different man, store floor covered in booze, chip bags all over the ground, Haywyre now blaring through the speakers.

​

My last day is tomorrow.

​

It is finished.

customer comes in

"how was your night?"

​

I stutter helplessly.